i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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