Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
