I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
