i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
