Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
