my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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