I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
