There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
