My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
