So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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