I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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