My pussy is not your playground.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
