I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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