As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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