Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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