just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
