I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
