Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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