My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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