nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
