Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
