He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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