why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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