What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
