i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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