wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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