Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
