I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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