I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
