i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
