I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
