You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
