im having a threesome with these popsicles
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
