I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
