Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The ass gains better be worth it
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