my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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