I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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