we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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