your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
