Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
