I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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