I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
