I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
