pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
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I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
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"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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