Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
