so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
