then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
