Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
