dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
