We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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