I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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