In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
