Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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