Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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