how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
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I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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