So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The Olympian is in my bed
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
