you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
