she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
