another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
