How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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