she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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